new years resolutions.

Well i have so many!

1.) I must actually do some work and stop skipping school.
My parents keep lecturing me about my lack of effort. And i keep saying "But i'm working hard" and its such a big fat lie. I am rather behind. So i must work my butt off this term to catch up. I need to do so much art, so i will probably go to the art rooms at lunch to try and do more work, and i need to do a couple of pieces every night. Starting tonight of course. I will do a nice oil painting in a minute. Second of all history, i need to copy up somebody's notes. I'm not too behind, but i definatly need to get my folder looking all spic and span. I also need to catch up on my english essays, i have a couple to do. Luckily, my media and general studies is all good. I also hope that i don't get found out about all my bunking off. I shouldn't do, since our school office just got knocked down, and i havn't had any letters or anything yet. As long as my attendance is amazing this term, i should be okay. Its not to late for me to still get amazing as results, as long as i put the work in now. I MUST prove my parents wrong :) I'm going in early tommorow, so i have 4 hours to get some history work done in the computer rooms.

2.) LOSE WEIGHT.
Okay mentioned previously, and i have lost a bit, but thanks to the festive spirit, i have probably put on a few pounds, and there are still many more to lose. My whole family is going on a health kick, so i need to just eat not a lot and eat healthily. And lots of excercise. I'm going to purchase ministry of sounds "pump it up" and start using my excercise bike more. Once its warmer, and i am fitter, i can jog along the beach.

3.) CLEAR MY SKIN - I am going on accutane in about 10 days, so this hopefully will be an easy one. But i must stick to it, and i need to stop chewing my hair, because thats probably worsening it. Its a terrible habit! And keeping my hair tied back, healthy eating, plenty of water and excercise will also help speed it up.

4.) BE NICER - Bit vague, i know. But i've been a bit of a cow recently, and i'm usually know as being very outgoing and bubbly and chatty. This is mainly directed at my family, but i also need to socialise more at my new school. I have vert limited confidence because of my bad acne and i hate my figure, but i have no excuse once i'm all cleared up and i've lost more weight. I need to start chatting to more people and stop hiding away in the computer rooms/ sneaking off to have a cigarette. I need to establish a better friendship group. Atm, its all a bit vague, and i don't feel i belong anywhere. I feel, for the first time in my life, like an outsider. Nobody knows who i am, and its just worsening my confidence.

5.) VISIT OLD FRIENDS MORE - I probably won't see them until march time now, because i am hoping to be working, and i will be on medication and i really need to concentrate on my studies/socialising with friends here for now. But once i'm done with that, i want to go back on a more regular basis and have them to stay with me here. I just feel so unsettled now, and they think i'm having a good time. I can't let them see i am unhappy, so once i am happy and have good friends, they can come down whenever.

6.) GET A JOB - I need to send my cv everywhere. And i need to stop being so snobby about where to get a job, i will be ecstatic anywhere, i just need some money! I'll probably start babysitting aswell. Or maybe try and sell some of my art?? Who knows....

7.) Take up the guitar again, and start discovering new music. This is a bit of a fun one, just something i'd love to but keep putting off really. I need money so i can buy a new guitar, as i sold my old one to a friend. Perhaps i'll buy that one back. I just need a hobby really, i do nothing atm.

8.) SMILE - I need to be happier. Hopefully everything above will help this. I was always so smile but now i always look so glum. I've been told i have a lovely smile in the past. I think a smile can make someone look more beautiful than any make-up.

9.) LEARN TO DRIVE AND PASS DRIVING TEST - I just really want to drive! I'm getting driving lessons for my birthday in a couple of weeks time. Think of the independence it would give me.

So there we go. There are other things i should do such as quit smoking, spend more time with the family etc.. but those will have to wait until next year maybe?

Quite alot, hope i can stick to a few of them, if not all of them. They aren't too extreme, just so i can stick to them really :) I'll have to get back to you though..

My shit life

I've had a week of binges. My skin is worse than ever. My parents hate me. And i hate them. I hate where i am living. And to top it off, i have just flooded my newly decorated bathroom.

My parents seem to think i've done it on purpose. And after apologising, they still didn't get it so i turned to anger, and screamed horrible things such us "I wouldn't care if dad dropped down dead". Which was true - at that moment. I do avoid him though. He's so gross and fat, and i know he's my dad, and i'll learn to appriciate him, but he called me a fat bitch, and i'm actually at a healthy weight and he knows i'm insecure about my appearance. I thought it was so inappropriote, and my mum slapped him round the face. Good woman. I then heard him say to my mum "You must hate her" and she said "No i love her to bits. She's jus dozy".

Tbh, i just wish they would get a divorce. I don't want to never see him again, but if it was just once a month i'm sure our relationship would be far better, because atm we mutually hate eachother. I just avoid him, if he walks into the room, i walk out.

After that fat bitch comment, i'm going to starve myself for the next few months so they can both get really worried about me, then we'll see who he's calling a fat bitch. He's morbidly obese himself (seriously-i'm not being a drama queen he is HUGE like over 20 stone)

I'm so angry, and stressed. I'm so happy i get to escape to paris on thursday, and hopefully make some new friends so i can actually learn to enjoy this shithole i am living in. Fingers crossed. Well, i spose things can only get better...

My weight

At the moment im a size 12 (u.s size 8) But i'd really like to be a 6-8 (u.s size 2-4) . I weigh around 11 stone, and i think i'll need to lose about 2-3 stone to achieve this. I've struggled with bulimia and am still getting over it. So i don't want to go all eating disorder. But i do want to lose weight fast. Within the next 2 months i want to lose 2 stone. By any means necessary. I'm going to attempt a twenty day fresh juice/water fast. I'm going to start it tommorow. I'll go buy some nice fresh juices from wherever. I'm quite excited, and i'm going to have a nice feist tonight! :) I love juice, so i hope i can stick to it. I tried the master cleanse, but it was impossible because the mixture was so vile!! So this should be good, i hope i can do it. I need to do it. I'm so insecure about my weight. I see all these amazing clothes which i feel i just can't wear, because of my huge bum and thighs, and my jelly belly and love handles. I'm just so chunky and big. I'm quite tallish, but i seem to be shrinking. I was 5 ft 7, now i'm 5 ft 6. And sometimes you shrink when you lose weight, so maybe i'll be 5 ft by december. Or maybe not. I also have a really fat face. I'm close to having a double chin,and have flabby cheeks. I do have nice high apple cheeks and cheekbones, but they are covered in flab. I need to lose that so my face looks nice, rather than a blob. Then my features will look nicer. I have quite nice blue eyes, a button nose and quite big, full lips. But my fatness and my spots make those features seem in the background rather than stand out like i'd want them too. I need to do this!! Big time!

My skin

Arrrghh i hate my skin. I have moderate acne, which i've had for like 1 1/2 years. I finally have an appointment with a dermatologist, but its not until christmas eve! Hopefully there will be a cancelation and we can slot in. I'm so desperate! I hate my skin so much! I actually stole a wash from my friends house in london. its a panoxyl 10 wash, its meant to really work. Its kind of dried out my skin and made it a bit itchy though, but i'd rather that than spots. You only use it once a day, and i used it twice because i didn't read the directions. If it works i'll get my mum to actually buy some more, but we'll just have to wait and see! I'm also going to try and drink much more water, because i drink hardly any. Two litres a day. Its supposed to do wonders for the skin, flush out all those toxins. Its good for cellulite aswell, apparantly. And weight loss. Anyway... i really want my skin to clear before i next go and see my friends. Because it was seriously disgusting when i was there this time. But i didn't care, i was just thinking about next time. It will clear up! It just has to!

The First Blog

Well.. its half term, mid-week. I've just got back from staying at a friends. Basically i moved from london to a seaside town, and its a bit shit at the moment. Life is a bit shit to be honest. I have horrible acne which won't leave my face, and my stress is not helping the matter. I need to lose weight aswell, like 3 stone. I weigh like 11 stone, its really gross. Anyway, yeah i moved, and i havn't settled yet, at all. I don't really have any proper friends yet either, so its lonely times. I have a trip to paris approaching soon, so fingers crossed, that should mean making some new friends. Theres a few girls who i'm friendly with who i'm going with, and they seem really cool and stuff. And theres a boy who i really like who's going. It should be a good trip. And i have about 4 weeks to lose some weight before i go. I'm going to do a juice fast I think. Also I need to stop chewing my hair, as its making my skin worse. Its a terrible habit. I've unfortunatly taken up smoking again, but i'm only on 5 a day, so its not too bad. But i can barely afford that. I soooo need a job. I went to an interview a few days ago, and am awaiting to hear from them. Fingers crossed! Its just christmas temp work, but it will probably mean i could carry on working there, as long as i do a good job over christmas. I think i'm going to make a "To do list" blog soon. So yeah, theres my first rant of many!